Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A New Year's promise to myself

I've never been one for resolutions, since in my hands they last about as long as I take to think them up.  This year holds the first time in my adult life that I don't know what's coming next.  It's wide open with opportunity, or at least that's how I choose to see it.

Where will we be in six months?  I'm not exactly sure.  I am helping Hubby as best I can towards his goal of running his own lab and teaching his own students, and I'm good at that.  But there's only so much I can do for him, and he for me, to get us to the next step.

I do know that, amongst the chaos and upheaval, I want to keep on working towards being the best version of myself, with the knowledge that the person I am isn't necessarily the person I thought I would be.  I can't say it any more elegantly than that, so I am starting the year off with words written by a woman whose passion and determination I find frighteningly inspiring.  I'm only sorry that I didn't find her music and her art earlier in life.  I've hidden the two F-bombs after the break, but I won't apologize for them... they are so much part of the joy in this piece.

Thank you, Amanda Palmer, for giving me something to strive for - to allow myself to be the person I want to be.


In my mind
In a future five years from now...

I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

The video, if you're curious, is here.

ETA: Going to embed the youtube, because I'm so behind the times :P


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