Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Out of titles, clever or otherwise

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, and I don't know if I'll leave it up. I'm just really not in a good place tonight. Mom finally filled me in a bit more on how my grandmother is doing, and her Alzheimers is advancing. Her confusion is much greater, and I don't know how long it'll be safe for her to stay in her home anymore. There are too many stairs in my parents' split level, and no bathrooms on the main floor. We don't know how this is going to play out. I think they've been keeping the details quiet, and just telling me the funny stories, because no one is ready to deal with the next step.

She's forgetting my little brother. She thinks the reason she's alone in her house is because people are all going around behind her back. She doesn't remember that my dad doesn't live with her anymore. She gets angry and frustrated, and I'm sure she spends a lot of time wondering where she is, scared and in the dark.

What the next step is, or when it will happen, I'm not sure. It's not my decision. I hurt for her, for my mom and dad, for my brothers, for myself.

Where have her memories gone, now that she's not able to access them? Where are those days when we were kids, when Dad was a baby, when she was a young woman? The things we don't know, that only she knows(/knew)?

Will she get them back, someday?

ETA: I didn't post this last night when I'd intended, because the universe conspired against me. Temper tantrums gave way to bathtime which gave way to unfortunate incidents in the bath that necessitated a two-pronged approach involving much more soap for N. and bleach for the tub. And, while I'm calmer on the outside today, I'm not better. Not by a longshot.

ETA #2 (Thurs 2pm): Turns out she has a UTI... for those who don't know, while a UTI is agony for most people, some seniors are completely asymptomatic except for an
increase in confusion. It's not a solution, and it doesn't mean she's not declining, but it's something that we can deal with right now.

1 comment:

Bezzie said...

Uhg. I guess that's "good" bad news. Alzheimers sounds like the worst. I can't even begin to fathom it, and really hope never to. Hugs!